4 Unexpected Things I Learnt From Yoga

4 Unexpected Things I Learnt From Yoga

I entered my first yoga class with great expectations. I was going to learn about peace of mind, good posture, inner strength and all that other imaginary stuff. Quite the contrary. Here’s what I really learnt during yoga.

1. You need a pedicure

…Or at least look after your feet. Between this stretch and that pose, I found myself constantly staring at my feet. So much for peace of mind; my dry heels and jagged nails were too much of a distraction for any of that. Plus my chipped nail polish wasn’t helping. To be fair, whatever brand it was is damn good, since I last painted my toes two months ago before a night out. I know this because my pinkie toe wasn’t painted. Y’know, the strap on my stilettos covered it so like, why bother painting it if no one is going to see it?

2. Shed your skin before you get in

Literally. The amount of tiny white flakes I saw fall during the down dog posture was equally concerning and impressive- was I really at the gym or was I at Thredbo? No one would know the difference. Except me, of course. And the bunch of unused exfoliators and moisturisers I’ve got sitting at home. But in all seriousness, exfoliating is not only important for your skin and mat hygiene, but also for your fellow yogis on carpeted floors. If you really want to keep your Winter Wonderland theme going, or if you’re just lazy like me, wear full length pants to keep snowfall flaking to a minimum.

3. Loud breathers are the spawn of Satan

A bit harsh? Not really. I can understand deep breaths for therapeutic reasons, but loud, orgasmic breaths are truly distracting and disturbing. I wonder if that’s what peace of mind sounds like? If so, I’ll have what she’s having. Until then, can we just agree to keep breathing in the form of plain air sans any vocal enhancement? Thanks.

4. It actually works

I’m yet to discover peace of mind, good posture or inner strength- I’m still convinced they don’t exist – but yoga really does make you feel great. So many people (including my past self) consider yoga a bunch of boring stretches and unnecessary meditation and breathing before they’ve even given it a chance. After a few classes, I’ve decided yoga is bloody great. You leave feeling light with relaxed muscles, loose limbs and a (sometimes false, in my case) sense of flexibility. Just make sure you take note of points 1-3 beforehand.

What Not To Say To A Foodie

I’m usually one of those people who look for the positives in everybody, but when it comes to this particular thing, sorry I’m not sorry, but you’ve reached your limits. You’ve actually shut down my brain’s mental capacity to look past those irksome words and it’s an instant Australian Idol-esque ‘no’ from me.

“Are you sharing?”

Only those close to me know how much I hate it when I’m ordering food at a restaurant, and the waiter stops me mid-sentence to ask if I’m sharing with someone else. Or when the waiter comes out with cheese fries, a large pizza and a fried chicken ranch salad (because I’m on a diet) and asks “Are you sharing?” Then it’s all over. Hell no, you did not just insult me and my five meals. What would make you think I would want to share this delicious spread of food with anyone else? If I was sharing this with my partner/friend/mum I think we would’ve stated so and asked for extra plates to share the food. Now you’ve gone and made it totally awkward, but mostly for yourself. Just put the dishes on the table, don’t say another word and quickly run back into the kitchen and scold yourself for assuming.

What gets me through these tough times is my loved ones. I was recently out for lunch with my best friend and we ordered pizzas. When the waiter (a different one that did not take our order) came out with one of the pizzas, they uttered the poison-laced words, “Is this just to share?” Thankfully, my best friend had it covered and gave a very terse “No.”

I may be rubbing off on those around me, which is actually me just doing a good deed for humankind in hopes that it will prevent this happening to others in the future, so yeah I’ll claim that.

Note: to everyone in hospitality- please never assume, just bring out the dish and ask who it’s for to avoid the whole did-you-just-call-me-fat-what-are-you-insinuating-no-we-aren’t-sharing-are-you-seriously-feeling-ok-why-would-you-ask-that situation.

Another note: I am fully aware that this maybe, possibly, could be a reflection of my underlying insecurities but hey, the customer is always right so bring in another round of onion rings, no questions asked. Except for if I would like dipping sauce with those, and in that case, yes, I would, please and thanks.